Carpe Noctre Series
by Spike's Little Brother
Summary: Spike struggles to find his way and hopefully with help from his family things may turn out right (Post Grave - S/B all the way)


Bleeding Me  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters, if I did Spike would be given a better role in the series then he has now, sadly however they all belong to Joss Whendon, ME, and everyone else. The lyrics to "Bleeding Me" belong to Metallica, so dunn sue me, and Shang Tsung belongs to the Mortal Kombat people.   
  
This is a possible pov piece from Spike's view as he leaves town in "Seeing Red". The characters Scythe, Katanna (Kathy), and Cassandra belong to me as does the Sa'v'ren'gra demon, the character Adria belongs to my fiancé Amaroqwolf *hugs then kisses Amaroqwolf* I love you honey!! Anyways on with the fic, and Spike/Buffy forever!!!  
  
Feedback is also very appreciated; if you want to get in touch with me then please do so at either my Spikeslittlebrother@hotmail.com address or my new Omartin6@cox.net email address  
  
I'm diggin' my way  
I'm diggin' my way to something  
I'm digging my way to something better  
  
His heart ached, the words from both Dawn and Buffy echoed through his mind as he floored the Cycle and zoomed down the highway at night, blood tears marring his eyes as he drove – memories of him forcing himself on Buffy coming back to him, he felt disgusted with himself, disgusted and angry – angry at himself for doing that.   
  
If Buffy couldn't love him before then there was no chance in hell that she'd love him now after he had done what he'd done.  
  
He'd hurt her, he'd forced himself on her in a desperate attempt to make her see that he was for her, and for her alone now, that along with sleeping with Anya had broken how much ever trust she had had in him, and it would have surely broken Dawn's trust in him.   
  
As he sped along the dark highway, he scrubbed away the tears. Crying wasn't going to do him any good, nor was mooning over what had been done, yes he'd done a great wrong and he realized that (how and why his demon and he felt that it was wrong was beyond him) but there would be no good just dwelling on it.   
  
He needed to get that blasted piece of silicon out of his head, he needed to examine his feelings for Buffy, Dawn and the Scoobies, he needed to be William, Spike, he needed the demon like never before. And the demon needed the remains of William's soul now more then ever before.   
  
He'd wanted to just laugh at Xander and Buffy and tell them the truth, how his soul had still been in his body, how it had merged with the demon, how only the regret and guilt had been taken away, how it and his anger at being pushed aside, of being stepped on time and time again had made him into Spike, his love for his sires Angelus and Drusilla, along with his biological family along with his endless creativity and intelligence making him one of the most feared vampires of them all.  
  
It had been that same love and anger that had helped him defeat the first slayer he'd ever fought, the girl had tried to stake Dru only to instead meet her end at his teeth as he'd fed from her and had then made love to Drusilla who had been tickled pink after seeing the "mess" he'd made.  
  
*Angelus and Dru* he thought with a smirk, *ohh if only the Slayer knew* he thought with both sadness and pride.   
  
It had been Angelus who had given him blood, and had trained him since Dru was unable to even do that properly, sure the two male vampires had had their differences; but still Angelus had been a god to Spike.   
  
He'd been the father figure he had never had and the abuse aside he had missed his sire terribly.   
  
That's why everything from when the poofter had lost his soul hurt so much, and why Spike had taken to calling Dru his sire, that and well the fact that it would have killed Buffy to think of her Angel as being far more cruel then the monster she'd faced then and by then he'd realized that that was something he could not bare.  
  
*But you've already done that* his demon said angrily and Spike sighed mentally.   
  
*No we did that* he countered. *We bloody well crushed whatever chances we 'ad with 'er* he snarled mentally as he gripped the handle bars tightly imagining that he was strangling himself for what he'd done, along with Xander and Buffy for being so pretentious, so bigoted, so holier then thou that they just could not see him as anything more then a monster.  
  
That was what really bothered Spike, that and the fact that he'd proven himself to Buffy, proven that he was the monster that she saw, and now he was running away like the coward that he was.   
  
Or at least that's what he thought at first, but in reality he had realized long ago that Buffy wouldn't accept him unless he proved that it wasn't the chip motivating him – that it was in fact his own choices, his own actions that had made him change.   
  
"An' that won't 'appen unless I get this bloody chip out o' me skull" he muttered darkly as the motorcycle roared down the road, past the sage, past the trash and garbage that littered the highway, it's occupant a lost soul looking for the trust that was far more addictive then any drug on this earth, unless you counted Buffy and Dawn's love.  
  
A love that had now probably turned to hatred, which Spike figured he did deserve, at least over his actions concerning Anya and his stupid attempt to rape Buffy, now he was running – trying his best to find himself before his despair pushed him over the edge even more then it had.   
  
Now his only chance for anything was to find out just how much of William was still in him, and how much of it had been the chip.   
  
He hoped and prayed to a God that hated him for being a soulless creature that it hadn't been the chip that had changed him, that it had been his choices that had changed him – not some bits and wires in his head that had allowed him to become more human then he'd already been.  
  
I'm pushin' my stay  
I'm pushin' my stay to something  
I'm pushin' my stay to something better  
  
I'm pushin' my stay  
I'm pushin' my stay to something  
I'm pushin' my stay to something better  
  
Above all he needed love, he needed a place to belong to, he needed to feel needed, he needed to feel not alone.   
  
For a moment he smiled then the smile turned bitter as the words Buffy had said to him, bitter as the attempted rape on her and he felt like crying again.  
  
He felt like cutting himself, wondering if that would show Buffy that he felt alone. He'd carved the words Buffy on his body many a time, along with the words Dawn, Angelus, Dru, and those of his family onto the right and left arms of his body, he felt a pang upon remembering that Buffy had never even bothered to look there or anywhere for that matter.   
  
*All another reason why I need to do this* he thought darkly as his bike roared into a hotel just on the outskirts of Nevada and he dismounted the bike.   
  
The first failure to come to his mind was that of his failure to keep his siblings safe from their father who'd beaten and in the case of his sisters, raped them – that had led to Jason killing their father with a hot poker, running him through the back, and to William and Cassy throwing the body of their father into the Thames River.   
  
The second was of his failure to keep his five year younger brother Jason from out of trouble, that had ultimately led to Spike having to turn and create his first childe, just to keep his baby brother from being hung for becoming a serial killer who hunted down abusive parents and murdered them in cold blood earning the name "Jason the Reaper" with the scythe that he had used to behead his victims.   
  
His second had been failing to save Adria from Angelus's hands; in a panic he and Jason had taken to sireing Kathy and Cassy and in making Angelus even angrier with himself – apparently turning Jason into a vampire hadn't watered down his homicidal tendencies, or his rebellious nature.   
  
That had led to his third failure and to Angelus and Darla trying to stake both him and Jas, many fights between himself and his brother, before the both of them had gone their separate ways - Jason or Scythe as he now preferred had joined the Order of Taraka, while Spike and his two sisters had become master vampires, Spike choosing Dru over his own family.   
  
His fourth had been Prague, his and Drusilla's out of control killing leading to an angry mob that had nearly killed Dru, had it not been for Scythe arriving to help him they would have been dust.   
  
Upon seeing his brother once more after twenty years, Spike had asked him to stay but the damage had been done, and Scythe had left still hurt with his brother for choosing Drusilla over his own family and led to Spike feeling alone knowing that if anything his own brother and sisters hated him now.   
  
As he entered the hotel, he took in how unsanitary and quiet the place was, it reeked of cockroaches, ants, pesticide, spilled drinks of many kinds, sex, blood and other less savory scents.   
  
Walking over to the main office he removed a credit card that he'd stolen from the Glorified Bricklayer and smirked, wondering when Xander would catch onto the fact that Spike had lifted his wallet when Xander had been beating him to a pulp.   
  
Apparently Xander thought he was smarter then Spike and knew everything, ohh how Spike wanted to be there to see the look on the whelp's face after he found out that Spike had gotten the last parting jab concerning their little feud, a feud that Spike had never really understood.   
  
Sure he had retaliated with many of his comments, but he didn't understand why Xander hated him so much, even before the whole mess with Demon girl.  
  
That had been the start of his downward spiral; then again him being chipped had been the problem. Yes he'd had been feeling something for the Slayer but it had been the chip that had brought his feelings to the forefront.  
  
"But soon as I get this thing out I'll be my own man again." He vowed as he headed for the room he'd been given, dumping his small duffel bag on the bed he sank down onto the bed and lite a cigarette, the cool smoke filling his now dead lungs, helping him to think clearly.   
  
I'm sowing the seeds  
I'm sowing the seeds I've taken  
I'm sowing the seeds I take for granted  
  
First off, he needed to proof himself worthy – not just to Buffy, Dawn and the Scoobies; he needed to prove himself to his sires, and to his family. That meant getting the chip out of his head and showing them that he could be good, that he wasn't just a demon; that he was still the man he'd become after his death.  
  
Dawn had asked him once if he'd felt like a man when he'd been alive, the answer had been no. He'd been stepped on by almost everyone around him, had taken every bit of cruel treatment that he'd been given in the hope of being someone, of being and knowing love.   
  
Truth be told he'd never even felt that with Drusilla, at least not when Angelus had been around – after his truce with Buffy, Dru had left him claiming that he'd gone soft and she'd been right – he'd become Buffy's lapdog, mooning over her, trying his best to change for her and for her friends.   
  
But instead they'd stepped all over him like everyone else in his life, his siblings and Dawn being the only ones that had never stepped on him, never treated him like a dog that needed to be put down.   
  
Second off he needed to put the Scoobies in their place, needed to show them that they had no right to act like God's gift to the world, and again he needed to get the chip out of his head to prove himself to them.  
  
Third he needed to regain Buffy and Dawn's trust, along with that of his family.   
  
And that wouldn't happen until he met them face-to-face once more, which needed to happen after he got the chip out of his head, or in the case of Scythe before he left for Africa in search of a demon who would remove his chip via powerful, arcane, dark magics.   
  
Magics that came with a very high and staggering price, a price which he was willing to pay without question even if it meant that the outcome was not a pleasant one for him – the question was, would his brother forgive him.  
  
Fourth he needed to try to and understand what the hell had happened to him back there in Sunnydale, he needed to figure out who he was, and why he was making the choices he'd been making.   
  
Fifth – he needed the world to realize once and for all that he wasn't second best. And the reason for that was simple – he needed to know that he wasn't in his sire's shadow anymore.   
  
All of his plans revolved around the chip being removed from his skull and that wouldn't happen until he found that demon, and since he wasn't welcome in the demon community anymore he needed his brother's sources of information.  
  
He also needed some sleep, he felt tired and fatigued from both his crying and his anger – the problem was he couldn't sleep anymore his mind was filled with thoughts of what he'd done to Buffy, the hurt he'd put Dawn, and his failure to Buffy, along with the old wounds that were always there.  
  
For a moment he considered not sleeping but that thought fled his mind. He needed sleep and he needed blood and violence and he needed to prove himself to everyone around him and that wouldn't happen unless the chip was gone.   
  
"First thing's first" he said as he began to dial the number he'd gotten from Clem, his only true friend these days it seemed.  
  
For an eternity he waited as his trans-Atlantic call went through then he heard a voice he thought he'd never hear ever again, the voice of his younger brother by about five years of age – his brother Jason Andrew Blake more commonly known as Scythe or as Jason the Reaper.  
  
"'ello Jason? I's me Billey," he said using the nickname his brother had given him when they had been alive. "Please don't 'ang up, I-I-I-I-I'm sorry for what 'appened all those years ago mate"  
  
This thorn in my side  
This thorn in my side is from the tree  
This thorn in my side is from the tree I've planted  
  
It tears me and I bleed  
  
For a moment there was nothing and Spike desperately hoped that his brother was there, and hadn't shut him out again.  
  
"No Billey I should be sorry, I-I-I-I 'urt you more then you could ever 'ave 'urt me" his brother said over the phone, and for a moment Spike thought he could hear sadness and regret in his younger sibling's voice. "Please forgive me brother" Scythe pleaded  
  
"No, please forgive me" Spike said as the two brothers both shed tears over the phone.   
  
After a while Spike began to tell his brother everything that happened in Sunnydale, his brother listening though Spike could tell that Scythe wasn't very happy with Buffy or any of the others.   
  
"Let me get this straight, your in love with the current slayer over there, she's been a real witch to you, but you still keep tryin', she starts 'urtin' you a lot more then you 'urt 'er, 'er ex the commando comes to town an' accuses you o' bein' the doctor even though it was someone else."  
  
"An' then you finally listen to 'er an' move onto 'er friend who was also 'avin' relationship trouble with 'er ex. You shag the ex-vengeance demon then 'er ex comes an' nearly kills you before the slayer intervenes, then you defend yourself by tellin' the truth then you try to rape 'er then leave an' decide to go an' try to prove yourself to 'er am I right?" Scythe asked calmly  
  
"On every detail" Spike said sadly as he drank from the flask by his side, letting the whiskey trail down his throat.   
  
"Mate you need to do better, she's got you not knowin' which way to turn. She may be the person for you or she may not be, thing o' it is."  
  
"You should not 'ave to put up with 'er you should 'ave called 'er out on 'er mistakes an' kept 'er from runnin'." His brother said; "if it was me I'd 'ave killed 'er long ago" he said with a growl. "She's got no right to treat you that way – none o' them do" he replied, the phone making his voice seem a bit distant and hazy.   
  
"She's 'ad a lot on 'er mind Jas" Spike began, smiling a bit. He'd missed talking to his brother, who also had the ability to read people's emotions; then again their entire family had been like that, that was why the things their father had done to them when they were children had hurt so much. "Angelus really screwed 'er up as did 'er bein' pulled out o' 'eaven."   
  
"Doesn't make all the things she did to you right, nor does your pain make you sleepin' with the demon girl an' tryin' to rape 'er right – 'owever I think you 'appen to 'ave the right approach."  
  
"You want to prove that you've changed an' getting' that blasted chip out o' yer soddin' 'ead is the only way to do just that right?" Scythe asked the phone clicking then becoming louder  
  
"Yea' just I don't know 'ow to feel. I mean I'm feelin' remorse an' that shouldn't be 'appenin' should it? I mean I thought the demon got rid o' that."  
  
"To an extent it should 'ave but the way you talked about the slayer makes me wonder if your demon sees 'er as 'is mate and 'er own as your own." Scythe said before he sighed and yawned. "I could be in Sunny'ell by 'bout seven pacific time." He said in a neutral voice.  
  
"No!" Spike said sternly before he winced upon hearing the tone in his voice. "Sorry Jas but I don't think you goin' an' killin' them off for me would 'elp, in fact it'd make it worse 'cause then they'd be gone … like Cassy" he said his voice barely a whisper  
  
For a moment there was a hushed silence and Spike felt his brother, his first childe's grief over their sister's death as well as his own. For some reason the bond between the two brothers was a bit different, whenever they spoke to each other even over the phone they could feel each other's pain.   
  
They cried again sharing memories of their two dead sisters Cassandra and Adrianna, both of them drawing comfort from each other, reaffirming the bond that had always been there between them.   
  
"I suppose you want to find someone who can remove the chip for you right?" Scythe asked after a while, and Spike could almost hear his brother's mind working at a speed that was equivalent to the Millennium Falcon's lightspeed itself. "That is why you called me innit?" he asked and Spike felt sadness radiating from his younger brother.   
  
Caught under wheels roll  
I take the leech I'm bleeding me  
Can't stop to save my soul  
I take the leash that's leading me  
I'm bleeding me I can't take it  
Caught under wheels roll  
The bleeding of me  
  
For a moment Spike winced then sighed deciding to go for the truth. If things were going to get better for him and his family he needed to make the effort now more then ever.   
  
"Yea' but tha's only part o' it Jason. The rest is the fact that you an' Kathy are the only family I 'ave left an' I want, no 'ave to get this out if things are goin' to get better for all o' us."   
  
"I see" Scythe replied and Spike wondered if his five year younger brother would listen, or if he would just hang up on him then and there.   
  
"Well you're right Spike in order for things to get better we 'ave to fix it. Ya'know I well I missed talkin' to you an' just spendin' time with you. I mean you are my sire an' my brother on top o' that. I 'ave always looked up to you. You were always there for me when I needed someone an' I've never said it enough." Scythe began.  
  
Spike smiled, brushing a tear away from his face, if anything he'd been worried that his brother would never have forgiven him – let alone talked to him at all.   
  
Spike's temper was nothing compared to his brother's, he'd seen it firsthand when Scythe had killed their father in an effort to protect the then young William from being beaten to death by their father who had once been a kinder, gentler man.  
  
That had all changed however, their father had become cold and severe and he had also become very critical, of his own children and the things they had dreamed of, along with the hopes and dreams and actions of their own mother.  
  
For a while their father had frightened his own children. Several times Adria or Kathy had even tried to kill themselves because he'd taken to raping them and their older sister Cassandra, along with beating them, Jason and William and starving the five children. Belittling them every chance he got to.   
  
"Thanks Jas, though I never thought I'd be a bleedin' role model in any part o' me life." Spike joked earning a laugh from Scythe.  
  
"Know 'ow you feel an' Billey? I-I-I-I've got some news for you" Scythe said slowly and Spike imagined his younger brother pursing his lips, his blue eyes sad and troubled like his tone of voice suggested.   
"Adrianna'saliveAngelusturned'erinanefforttosicc'eronusan'Kathyan'Cassy" Scythe stammered  
  
Spike blinked as he played the words over and over in his head. "Lille Addy's alive?" he asked in a hoarse and choked voice.   
  
"Yea' ran into 'er a few days ago, she 'ates you Billey, she thinks you turned 'er" he said in a voice as equally emotionally frayed.   
  
Spike's eyes clouded with blood tears, his own little sister hated him? The sister he had watched over when they had been younger, the sister he'd always tried to raise good and proper just as he and Cassandra had tried to raise Jason and Kathy good and proper before he had been turned and had turned Scythe.   
  
"Where is she?" he asked Scythe  
  
"I 'ave no idea, she prolly knew that I'd tell you that she's still walkin' the earth an' all an' didn't tell me. Least she doesn't 'ate me any longer – though she won't listen to me on the whole you weren't the bloke who turned 'er thing an' all. She's got a chip in 'er 'ead just like you do" Scythe stated  
  
"You've got to 'ave some idea where she is." Spike pleaded  
  
"She may be somewhere in North Carolina – not sure on that one though. Spike? It'd be better if you didn't go after 'er, let me talk to 'er first." Scythe said  
  
"No, if I'm goin' to make up for the mistakes I made concernin' you an' the rest o' me family and the ones concernin' Buffy then I need to do somethin' about it on me own." Spike answered truthfully. "I'm not goin' to lose 'er again," he said with determination.  
  
Scythe sighed, "alright but I'll be there with you, so will Kathy. You an' Addy could use some family anyways." Scythe protested.  
  
Caught under wheels roll  
I take the leech I'm bleeding me  
Can't stop to save my soul  
I take the leash that's leading me  
I'm bleeding me I can't take it  
Caught under wheels roll  
The bleeding of me  
  
"Yea', we could all use some family" Spike agreed with a small smile, hope rearing it's head inside him. He hoped that Adria was okay, and that she would welcome him. He had so much to tell her, he hoped that she would believe him and that things could be fixed between them both.  
  
"William? There's still the chip an' the matter o' the slayer an' 'er friends" Jason said reminding his brother of why he had called him. "Where the 'ell are you anyways?" he asked  
  
"Somewhere near Vegas I think, didn't really bother to look" Spike admitted. "Jason? Do you know o' any demons that could remove the chip?" he asked  
  
"Whoa, whoa your talkin' 'bout real dark dark magics there Billey." Scythe began, "the kind that Shang warned us about." He began, "an' 'e's a dark sorcerer" Scythe pointed out in worry. "Those kind o' magics don't come without a really steep price."  
  
"I know, but I 'ave to do this an' if I 'ave to do it without you to get me unlife together I will" Spike said slowly.  
  
"'ey! First off you outta know by now that I'd 'elp ya through this an' second I'm concerned for ya, ya git" Scythe retorted.  
  
"I know an' I'm sorry just-"  
  
"I know" Scythe said before he sighed. "I'll see what I kind find out but Billey the best guess would be the Sa'v'ren'gra's demon – though 'is prices are very 'ig'" Scythe said with a frown.   
  
"I did a couple o' favors for 'im so 'e owes me big time, I'll give you 'is address when we meet." He promised Spike. "Now try to get some sleep a'ight?" Scythe asked  
  
"I'll try" was all Spike said  
  
"G'bye Billey," his brother replied. "Love ya brother o' mine" he replied and Spike smiled a bit, his brother loved him, and hopefully his sister Adria would love him again and things would get better.  
  
"Love you too lille brother" Spike said as he hung up then sighed as he looked at the bed. "Lot easier then it looks" he said to himself as the images of the things that had happened between both him and Buffy came flooding back to him.   
  
He'd hurt her terribly so, but then hadn't she? Their relationship had been very painful and while it pained him to say it Buffy had been right to end it, but not because he was supposedly killing her, she was doing that to herself.   
  
As he thought it over he shook his head. Angelus had ruined her after all, where there had once been hope there was now darkness in her, a downward spiral that Buffy didn't even want to stop from happening, no all she thought of was how humans were better then vampires because they had their souls.  
  
Spike knew better, his own father had had a soul and yet it hadn't given him one whiff of a conscience, it hadn't given Hitler one, nor Bin Laden, or Bundy or anyone else who made the choice to harm others.   
  
Matter of fact a soul hadn't stopped that Walsh bint from playing God with the lives or unlives of all the demons in her laboratory, nor had a soul kept Riley Finn that bloody awful commando boy from cheating on Buffy.  
  
Of course Buffy would never see it that way, of that Spike had realized long ago. Her ideals were naïve if best, she didn't see that Spike had made the choice to be good – nor had any of the scoobies – well maybe Tara had seen it. He didn't know anymore the entire lot of them had been to busy running away from their problems instead of facing them head on.  
  
Willow: she'd run from magic instead of facing up to the fact that magic wasn't the problem, it was her desire to control the lives of others that was the problem. Whether or not her intentions were good was beside the point. She'd still tried to control the lives of others even when she hadn't had her magics to count on.  
  
The whelp: he'd run from commitment not caring that he'd hurt the demon girl until it was too late, until she had decided to move on, then he'd gotten all protective and had forgotten that he'd been the one to start it by being a weakling and not dealing with his fear, nor had his bigoted self-righteous attitude helped any – if anything it had hurt his chances with Anya even moreso, and so had his remarks and actions to Spike (who had started to respect him during the summer)   
  
Buffy: confused and hurting she'd lashed out at him then expected him to be evil, and getting just what she had wished for her by pushing him away and not trying to show him what it was like to be good.   
  
Anya: she'd taken her abuse and had left him there not even bothering to try and help him the way they had been helping each other before they'd gone and shagged.  
  
Dawn: his nibblet, she'd been so confused and angry with everyone for not making time for her that she had resorted to outright theft and upon his screwup with Anya had taken to acting just like Buffy, not even bothering to hear his side.  
  
And last but not least there was one other person to blame and that was himself, he'd failed on many counts to show who he was to Buffy, had gotten too defensive when she had lashed out at him and had retaliated the only way he'd known how – by fighting back and shooting off his mouth then by finally giving up and trying to move on, only to instead bring about more pain by trying to heal.   
  
Then there was his attempt to rape Buffy; it had helped destroy whatever amount of trust was left between them both and had sent him a long awaited wake up call telling him that he needed to find himself before he destroyed what was left.   
  
The only way to do that was to wait for his brother to call him back, he'd left Dawn a note explaining everything to her, about his relationship with her sister, what was said and done, and about what had happened before he had left. He hoped that she would still be his best friend and that he could undo the damage he had caused, not just because he and Buffy and Dawn needed it as well as his family, but also because he needed to do something to change things, to make things right – even if it meant he became nothing more then a pile of ashes.  
  
I am the beast that feeds the beast  
I am the blood, I am the release  
Come make me pure  
Bleed me a cure  
I'm caught   
I'm caught  
I'm caught under  
  
He wanted to rip out Buffy's heart for hurting him the way she had, along with Xander's, and Dawn's and that frightened the vampire – again he was letting his anger get the better of him just as it had when he'd been scorned by Cecily then by Drusilla and then by Buffy.  
  
His anger, he needed to deal with it. He needed to put his unlife in perspective. He needed to find a way to show Buffy that he had changed, that he was good now, and that she didn't need to worry about him becoming like Angelus on her if he got the chip out.  
  
That still irritated him, he hated the wanker of a sire he had with more then any passion on the earth – hated him for all the things he'd done to Spike and Drusilla, hated him for the hurt he'd put Buffy through by losing his ohh so precious soul and then leaving her ultimately to fend for herself.   
  
The Pillock had ruined things both by jabbing at her insecurities and by leaving her ultimately then dropping back into ruin her life once more – just as he had done with Spike.   
  
True he had been with Drusilla but he'd also been with Angelus and had looked up to Angelus praying and hoping that his male half-sire would be proud of him, as Dru supposedly was. No matter all the hurt his sire had put him through by torturing him, raping him and by killing and turning Adria he still loved his sire as a father, a friend and at one time his sire had been his lover.   
  
Overtime that had changed, no longer had Angelus been a lover rather he'd become more of a father figure to Spike until he'd left him and Drusilla all alone with Darla who ran out on them later on.  
  
Both Spike and Drusilla had been devastated by the loss of their family, Spike even more then she had been due to the fact that his sisters and brother had also left him. If anything Spike had felt hurt over that, and Buffy had done the exact same thing to him. She'd run out on him not even bothering to try because she felt it was wrong.  
  
"No more as wrong as Xander or Willow's choices in partners" he murmured darkly. "Or anymore then 'er tryst with the great poof," he said with a shake of his head. "Fool girl should 'ave realized long ago that love is not a choice, that i's in the blood, that you just fall."   
  
That had been one of the problems, Spike hadn't chosen to fall in love with Buffy or to love her family and friends, it had just happened and he wasn't questioning it.   
  
He knew that what he felt for them all was real, even Xander the glorified bricklayer had meant something to him. Xander had been a brother to him even if they both hadn't wanted to admit it, but then soon as Buffy had come back he'd changed for the worse, becoming cold and severe insulting Spike whenever and wherever he could, belittling him just as Spike's father and Angelus had done.   
  
That was why he hated Xander, the boy had to get his jollies by making fun of others like a sodding kindergarten bully, all because he'd felt insecure about his own life.  
  
Sure Spike had said things that were just as cruel to him, but they'd been in retaliation and in defense of himself – if anything Spike was never going to let anyone walk all over him not ever again, no he would prove who he was to the world in any way he could.   
  
Despair that was another of his problems, all too often he would act out of despair and even while showing what William had been it had also helped to push Buffy and others away though it had been brought on by the abuse of others it was still there.   
  
Still burning within him, still crawling and if anything he needed to be strong again, needed to put them all in their place and show them that he was one of them, the question was how though. How was he going to be able to do that? get tortured by someone? Get ripped apart while searching for the cure.  
  
Guilt was a new feeling for him, he felt remorse over his actions towards Buffy and the rest yet felt nothing for the people who he had killed, they were dead and nothing he could say or do would take back what he had done, but now he felt concern for people, sure he'd always hated killing children or some of the games his sires and Darla would play and yes he hated rape but he had still participated.  
  
Even his own demon was disgusted by his actions when he was despairing, he remembered when it had shouted many times at him for killing a child or for when he'd raped Buffy – and if anything that was really weird, but then he'd never been like the others.  
  
He'd been his own vamp, always had been at least until he had fallen for the Slayer which was wrong on so many levels. Unlike Angel, Spike was a deviant, an abnormality, and an aberration to both vampire and demon society.   
  
He smirked at that, he wondered if Buffy knew how wrong it was, fighting the good fight was one thing but loving the slayer? That was bleedin' insane and would get him a death warrant, then again making war on the demon world had also not really helped.   
  
But who was he to care for the rules, he made his own, not wanting to live by the rules of others, he'd fallen and had tried to fight it at every step but things had gotten worse and finally he'd succumbed to his feelings only to have them ripped apart by Buffy who had acted more like a child then a grown adult.   
  
That hurt him deeply but so did what he had done to the slayer, for a few moments the thought of staking himself came to his mind before he then pushed those thoughts away and sighed.   
  
He needed to focus, needed to make things better and so here he was digging his way to something better in the hope that he could make Buffy happy, and show her and everyone else that true love meant sticking to your guns even if it didn't feel good, even if it meant never ever leaving.   
  
Caught under wheels roll  
I take the leech I'm bleeding me  
Can't stop to save my soul  
I take the leash that's leading me  
I'm bleeding me ohh I can't take it  
I can't take it  
Ohh I can't take it  
Caught under wheels roll  
Ooh the bleeding of me  
  
Torn and bleeding  
  
And by the blood inside him, inside everyone and everything he would show them. He would rise above them and give them pause to think about how things had turned out, he would be there to show them that they could make the lives work as best they could.   
  
He'd show them what a true family was, he would help them because he wanted to not because he wanted to try and get into Buffy's pants, and all he needed to do was get that chip out of his head. Then he would take things one-step at a time … one step at a time.  
  
"One step at a bleedin' time, show them that they shouldn't put themselves through the pain they put themselves through." He promised before he removed a picture and smiled as he looked at the picture of Joyce Summers that he always carried around in his Duster. "I'm gonna try Joyce, I promise ya that. I 'ope that you an' the guy upstairs'll be there with me every step of the way – 'cus the slayer an' them won't make it any easier." He said before he yawned though he did not need to.  
  
For a moment Spike wondered if Joyce was up there, smiling as she was in the picture, she'd always been so kind to him, accepting him for who he was and who he had been. She'd been the only human person he had ever shared his true past with, and he's been there for her letting her talk to him and vent like he had always done when one of his own was hurting.   
  
For one he'd known that Joyce for a fact had loved Buffy and Dawn and had been proud of them even though she'd been sad when she had learned who they were.  
  
There had been times when she'd even come by his crypt to see him even after Buffy had slammed the door in his face and on his heart. They would talk about Passions, or poetry or family and upon many occasion about Buffy.  
  
He remembered it like it was yesterday, Joyce had actually smiled at him and given him her blessing and had asked for him to look out for her girls, he'd promised and she had gotten up to leave, smiling sadly as if she had known that this would be the last time she would ever see and talk to him.   
  
"Goodbye mum" he had told her with a smile. "An' thanks for everythin' I can't promise a miracle 'cause the slayer's stubborn as 'ell but I will 'onestly try."   
  
Joyce had hugged him and smiled. "Don't make a promise you can't keep William, yes she's stubborn but so are you, your mother would be proud of you as would any woman who realized how much love you have for them. Protect my babies and please don't ever give up on them or yourself."   
  
After that she'd left altogether heading towards the one place Spike could and would probably never be able to go – no one even bothering to tell him what had happened, so concerned in the notion that he couldn't feel anything for anyone but himself.   
  
Hopefully he would be able to prove them wrong, hopefully he'd be able to make Joyce proud of him again…  
  
…A vampire could only hope, but whatever else he would die trying to help make things better of that he was certain and with a smile he fell asleep, knowing that while the dreams would come to him he would be able to deal with them this time and would one day be able to do the one thing he couldn't do or had ever been able to do – to forgive himself.  
  
I'm diggin' my way  
I'm diggin' my way to something  
I'm diggin' my way to something better  
  
I'm pushin' my stay  
I'm pushin' my stay to something  
I'm pushin' my stay to something better  
  
Author's Note: I'm not sure if I will write a sequel to this or not, as I said feedback is very appreciated, and if anything I hope that things will go better for all of us Spike/Buffy shippers who've had to put up with that Marti person trying to wreak things 


End file.
